Last Monday afternoon, while at work, I began feeling really crappy. I had been teasing with a co-worker about taking a "Tucker" day, which is what we have deemed at work, one of those unnecessary missed work days (a whole 'nother story)....little did I know that karma didn't have a sense of humor and I was actually going to get sick. None the less, I called in Tuesday.....moved from the bed to the couch on Wednesday, went to the Doctor on Thursday, and was starting to function a little on Friday. Saturday rolled around and I thought I was pretty much over it, but as I began to stir more...I realized I wasn't, which all leads up to ME being the only sober person at my sister-in-law's birthday party....
I have been married to my husband for 20 years this past Monday.......I have been in his family long enough now, not to be considered an In-Law. I am just another daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and aunt.....so, we are all very close. Closer than my actual family as a matter of fact. We all grew up together and to this day, we stick together.......and we party together!
It's kind of turned into a tradition. On any of the adult "Kids" birthdays, (what we call each other) we organize a small gathering and drink, cut-up, laugh, dance, and reminisce. This usually takes place in the county at my sister-in-law's house because she lives in the country and the Po Po doesn't bother you there....they might occasionally come out and tell us to turn down the radio or complain about a report of a streaker, but usually that's the jest of it. This past Saturday night was carried in true tradition......
The party was supposed to start at 6 or 7pm....noting that when that time is conveyed, people usually don't start showing up till 8 or 9pm. Well at 6pm there was already ten or more people there, and by 9pm there was upwards of fifty.....four of which we did not know. They had heard from a friend of a friend of a friend about the party, and thought they were come out, set up their equipment and entertain us...Great! A band! After all, the more the merrier right? Not so much...... They began unpacking their 1987 wagon, and at first everything looked normal, but after about 30 minutes......I realized they had unloaded about 10 home stereos and hooked them all together with numerous "spliced and diced" cords. No instruments, no microphone....only a couple of yard sale radios, some duck taped together with magic marker decoration, and empty dixie cups, (which they were expecting to fill up from our keg). I, being sober, laughed and watched in awe as numerous people from the crowd yelled out request.....I thought to myself, it doesn't get any more redneck than this....CLASSIC........and that's when I learned the true definition of "shit faced".....
A member of the "band" was down! Don't worry, she didn't faint from all the applause....she just passed out. Evidently our party had not been their first party of the evening, and she was unsure of her surroundings when she got there......60 minutes in, she was out.....which leads to our next tradition.....Don't be the first to Pass Out......because the first weenie that passes out is subject to shaving cream, finger nail polish, sharpie, or whatever else is accessible. On this given night, it would be French's Mustard....
I was not the culprit this time, it was my sister-in-law. She had noticed the passed out woman and was on a mission. After retrieving the mustard from the fridge, she rushed to the victim and continued to empty the contents of the little yellow plastic bottle onto her face until it was empty. OK! I realize it was wrong, and maybe I did have a responsibility to stop her since I was the only sober person there.....but HEY, I had awaken with toddler shorts on and a missing bridge before, and it was someone else's turn....Plus, it was hilarious and that's the price you pay for crashing a stranger's party and drinking their beer....they proved to be entertaining after all!
The real drama came the next day. Living in a small town has it's disadvantages......one being, everybody knows everybody, and the mustard victim had indeed found out where my mother-in-law lived and "a came" knocking on her door Sunday afternoon. When my mother-in-law answered the door, the semi-yellow victim proceeded to explain to her that some girl named Amy had assaulted her the night before at a party....that she had recently had a bad car wreck that had resulted in a titanium eye socket (really?) and that the mustard had caused a chemical reaction to the metal and had caused her great pain, (not the fall to the ground from over intoxication).....that the attack with mustard was considered assault and she was going to pursue charges against me! My mother-in-law insisted that she leave her property, go directly to the sheriffs’ department, and share her story....that it would be a great write-up for the paper, and to wash the mustard out of her hair when she got done....
I am innocent, yet I have been hiding from the Po Po all week..........question is, who is going to bail me out when my time runs out?
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