Do I really owe you an explanation?

Ok, ok.......I guess I should quickly explain the title of the blog, but I kind of like the idea that someone may think I have some weird, perverse fetish that I have managed to closet for years. (Probably more interesting than the truth) Any who, the sole defining reason for the title is......Carston Rayne, A.K.A. Rainy.

Carston is my 4 year old daughter, my "don't give up... ball check" reason for probably still being here. Just when I thought life had completely devoured me, I got the news. It went something like this..."Mrs. Payne, I have good news & bad news. Good news is there is no evidence that your cancer has come back. Bad news is....(dramatic pause)....your pregnant. I will schedule you an appointment with a specialist in Vanderbilt, but this is not going to be easy". I swear y'all, I shit my pants right there in the Dr's office. I was devastated! OH Hell No, I don't want anymore kids! What kind of sick joke is this! I don't want this kid! I hope I miscarry! This only confirms God hates me! Yes, these were the awful things that were floating in my mind on the drive back to Franklin....horrible but true.

I walked in the house, squalling like a beaten step child, and my husband assumed the worst. He looked at me and asked, "Cancer again?" I replied, "I fucking wish!" After explaining to him that somehow I had a bun in the microwave because the oven was broken, he was ecstatic! That's the moment I realized I married a complete moron! I mean really, had he lost his mind? My youngest son was 13, which meant no more babysitters, more freedom, finally time for Mommy. Not to mention that my last pregnancy was a molar pregnancy...(yeah, look it up! It wasn't pretty y'all!)...where I lost the baby and found out I had cancer in the first place. Now at one of the weakest and darkest times in my life, I find out I am pregnant and this dumb ass is happy! Great! It's official, I am done son! Fuck life completely!

This was my state of mind for the next two months....bedridden and more depressed than ever! To make things worse, test had came back indicating that the baby had downs. I felt beaten to oblivion.....helpless. My thoughts were morbid to say the least on the drive to Vandy the day of my amnio. I was hating everyone in the world....especially myself. This day was the day, the day I decided to take another breath.

"She looks perfectly normal Mrs. Payne, no sign of Down Syndrome or any other abnormalities"....I didn't hear anything after the word Her....up until this point, it was an "IT"...."Her" made it real to me somehow in my simple mind. I began crying at that moment and didn't stop for days. They were not tears of joy either, although everyone thought they were....they were tears of remorse and guilt. How could I have hated this child inside of me so much? This innocent child that did not ask to be brought into this world. She had a purpose, a reason....to slap me in the face and humble me all at the same time. What a "Something Else" she had already become, and wasn't even born yet! That's my Rainy!

OK....I realize I didn't get to the definition of the title, something else poured out instead. Maybe next time.........